Talk yourself into being an assertive person

by Alana Billingham, workshop leader, Media Associates

Assertiveness and self-esteem. Which one comes first? Does assertive behaviour produce a healthy self-esteem, or are people with healthy self-esteem assertive?

Both are true - so you don't have to wait till you have healthy self esteem to begin being assertive.

Assertive people tend to get what they want from life. They feel heard and have less stressful relationships than their passive or aggressive counterparts.

Assertive people have an,' I'm equal to anyone' view of life. They value their own worth, opinions and ideas and expect that others will too. They treat others with that same sense of equality and are less defensive than people who are passive or aggressive.

What makes them think they are equal and valuable? Their ‘identity’ - the way they see themselves. All of us, regardless of background, up-bringing, genetics or education, can change our identity.

A key component to shaping identity is self-talk. Self-talk is the stream of messages that play, over and over in our heads. What do you say to yourself when you:

• make a mistake? ('Gee I'm stupid', or 'I can do this'.)
• succeed at a difficult task? ('Phew, I was lucky', or 'I'm pretty smart'.)
• get a compliment? ('It's just an old shirt I bought at the op-shop' or, 'Thanks, I love it too'.)
• fail? ('I'll never be able to do this', or 'Okay, that way didn't work - what else might?')

• Here's a simple recipe for communicating assertively.
• Only raise one issue at a time
• Resist the temptation to wound or score points
• Use 'I' instead of 'you'
• Take out all inflammatory or emotive language, including 'always and never'
• Focus on the issue or the behaviour, not the person
• Talk about what you have noticed or know to be true
• Explain the tangible or intangible effects the behaviour has on others, including you
• Tell what you would like to see happen
• Listen and give others fundamental respect